#call me cringe all u want but the purpose of my blog is to post cringe so it’s ok

[wykonii]

Anyone here love Mikey way

[uuujeewriting]

should have [xiao oneshot]

tw: mentions of self harm and suicide, mental health issues and angst with a bit of fluff

xiao x gn! reader

a/n: first post on the blog! decided to show some xiao love and u h angst ehe. sorry for the downer but i haven’t been doing so well and meds don’t do much DDDX

i would like to clarify that if any of these scenarios/hc's of mine are similar to other writers' works, it is unintentional and i apologize

“reckless thing, you are-” the yaksha huffs and ceases his own words as he coughs at your impact on his chest. “how many times have i reminded you to stop running up or down the stairs?” he scowls. you know he means well.

“ah, sorry xiao,” you chuckle, “i’m just excited to see you, is all.” you push yourself off the chest that caught you and peered gleefully at the male. he seems annoyed to the unknowing mortals passing by, but as a person who has spent half their time ‘pestering’ (as he says) the adeptus, you can quickly tell that he was merely relieved and was trying to hide it—although he’d rather deal with karmic debt twice his own than to admit such fondness for you. “thanks by the way.”

xiao diverts his gaze onto the railing of the stairs, “this is the fourth time this week that you’ve gotten yourself into dangerous and careless situations. are you sure you’re keeping an eye out for yourself?” he interrogates you as if he were your guardian, which he might as well be, you nod earnestly at his question.

“don’t worry about me, i’d never dream of leaving you alone.” you giggle. this answer of yours urged the adeptus to cringe and tell you to stop thinking like you’re all important and whatnot, but he knew he’d be lying if he said you weren’t someone he treasures deeply. “i swear on it!” you add.

“hmph, fine.” he begins to walk away, stopping for a second. xiao hesitates to take the next step without a word and decides to leave you with a message,

“if you ever find yourself in trouble, no matter how small or big–if you know that it’ll cause you any harm, call out my name. i’ll be there.”

you appreciated that.

to be fair, xiao did not bring up his concern because of your recent recklessness, but how dim you seem in comparison to how you were before. yes, you still smiled brightly, but the lanterns in the sky easily outshines you. your eyes still held warmth, but warmth that fleeted every now and then if not focused on the adeptus’. he worried that something was gnawing at the back of your mind and causing said recklessness as of current. 

he knows mortals are weak, fragile, and although he does not look down on you too much, he still feels the need to protect you from even the slightest of disturbances, which is what led to his conclusion now; to check up on you.

‘where in teyvat are they?’ xiao furrows his eyebrows in frustration as he knocks on the door to your house for the sixth time.as he reaches out to knock once more, he flinches slightly when the door opens.

what the hell?

“oh! xiao, what are you doing here?” you smile. 

he could see how distressed you are, even from a mile away, he presumes. you look weaker, thinner and definitely worse than three days ago. eyes as dull as a blank canvas that hasn’t been acknowledged by it’s artist for years, limbs as frail as a dried flower’s petals. what in archons happened to you?

“y/n, what in the seven happened? what’s with your weak physique? you clearly haven’t been taking care of yourself.” he moves to grab your arm but you draw it back quickly before he could catch it. he grows more and more irritated as your silence greets his question, left to be unanswered.

“i’m sorry, xiao, but could you leave me be for a while? i’ll visit you soon, i promise!” 

ah, there you go again with your promises.

“why the hell would i leave after seeing you on the brink of fainting? someone has to look out for you if you aren’t going to yourself!” he exclaims as he grows more and more livid by the second. 

you huff in annoyance, “why do you care? you have millions of other people to save, you shouldn’t get distracted by one you can’t do anything about.” 

xiao clicks his tongue in extreme disappointment as he doesn’t seem to get through you. “you don’t get it at all, do you?” 

“you don’t get it either, xiao.”

silence envelops the air between you as you bask in infuriatingly awkward stillness. xiao knows he doesn’t get it, you know you’ll never understand him either. it’s hopeless.

after a few minutes or what felt like a decade, you speak up. 

“..hey, can you accompany me somewhere?” you catch his attention. he raises a brow in skepticism, as it is the middle of the night. “it won’t take long.”

he sighs quietly and nods, nudging his head to silently signal you to lead the way. he might as well accompany you instead of going off on a tangent about how you worry him too much.

you arrive at the windrise tree, the breeze nipping gently at your exposed legs. xiao eyes you from behind and bites his tongue despite his urge to berate you.

you sit down at the base of the windrise tree, letting out a long sigh of relief as you stretch your legs. the adeptus hesitates for a second but ultimately decides to sit down beside you.

this time, he’s the first to break the ice.

“what is your purpose of going here with me?” he doesn’t meet your eyes that snap to him quickly at his question. 

there are multiple reasons as to why you might have wanted to visit windrise, some being that you wanted to take a breather after a heated argument, taking a stroll after an exhausting week or even just needing a fresh scenery for a change. all of these reasons and yet, nothing could have prepared him for the words that came next.

“it could be the last time i’ll see this place again.” you smile fondly, despite the rather depressing statement you had just made. 

the yaksha froze up. ‘last time? are you moving?’

could it be that you’re leaving him? when you said you never dared to even think of it?

perhaps the fatui were after you?

were you in danger?

his mind listed a myriad of possibilities, all of them he wished were not true. he was still trying to wrap his head around what you just said. when you finally take into account his stiffness and silence, you forced out a chuckle. 

“yeah, i’ll be gone by tomorrow.”

he shouldn’t have done what he did next.

“..xiao? are you-”

he cut you off by standing up and glaring at you.

your heart dropped at his gaze.

it was one of the most intimidating but hurtful looks he’d ever made in your presence. his eyes screamed in unsaid fury and his face was etched in borderline offense. looking down. you see both his fists clenched in a tight grip of nothing. his form was trembling in anger, almost making you mistake yourself for one of the millions of demonic figures he rinsed the land of. 

“don’t ever show yourself again.”

noted. and he’s gone.

you stare at your scarred arms and wrists. 

‘it won’t be long now.’

xiao regrets it now, is all.

[maaaaaatryoshka0325]

As Above, So Below - Kim Seungmin Paranormal Investigator AU Part 1

(Next Part ->)

I’m finally posting it ya’ll! :D

The reader's abilities are based off of those of Lorraine Warren's. She and her husband, Ed, were paranormal investigators. If you need an insight on her abilities, watch 'the conjuring'. It's great movie, hands down one of my faves.

“These pictures were taken during the exorcism last year." Seungmin's voice rang throughout the large classroom.

Kim Seungmin, the well renown paranormal investigator, stood before you in a classroom in your town. You watched his videos all the time, followed his social media. He was a big inspiration for you, someone you knew would understand you.

You have a gift, you see. One not many people would understand. You had gotten into a car accident when you were younger, leaving you not only with PTSD, but with an unnatural gift. You could see and hear things no one else could, you could be brought into almost another dimension, the other side showing you things from the past. You were known as a clairvoyant.

You watched Seungmin’s presentation in awe, excitement filling you every time he showed something new, something you didn’t see on his blog. Your eyes kept meeting his, but every time they met, the girls behind you would squeal, especially the one in the middle. 

The girl in the middle used to be your best friend, until a few years ago. Kim Eunmi , now one of the most popular girls in your college/university. She always walked around with two other girls, Lim Hyuna and Song Inhye. They were your “bullies” if you’d call it that. They wouldn’t say much to you, usually a sly remark here and there, but they would always openly giggle behind your back or whisper almost loud enough for you to hear; and it all came from an incident a few years back, the incident where Eunmi abandoned you as a friend then spread rumors about you, making your high school career a living Hell. You were labeled a “freak” and spent your high school years by yourself.

“Here is another slide from the case of Go Jinjoo, the man who was possessed and kill thirteen women in a span of three months.” Seungmin’s voice broke you out of your thoughts, your eyes landing on the pictures of the man on the screen.

He had blood covering his shirt, his teeth grit and blood splattered across his face. His iris’ were completely black, his veins popping out of his face and neck. He looked possessed, to say the least. Your eyes searched the picture, your eyes sensing the dark aura around him. Your eyes scanned every detail you can, and you felt someone’s eyes on you.

You peeled your eyes from the screen and made direct eye contact with Seungmin, his eyes staying on you longer than you could never believe. You heard a squeal behind you, and your heart dropped, thinking he could’ve just been admiring Eunmi. Eunmi was very attractive, with her silky dark hair, large eyes, and beautiful face. She was much more to look at, or that’s what you thought at least. You remembered all the boys would gawk and stare at her when you two would hangout, and it got worse in high school. You tried not to pay attention to it, but it was hard when every time you went to your locker, which was straight across from hers, a guy was either trying to confess or give her something. You were shocked and disappointed when Seungmin ended the presentation, cursing yourself for not paying enough attention. Oh well, there’s always a next time. Seungmin looked at you, and your heart fluttered, then quickly dropped as you felt someone bump your shoulder, and realized Eunmi was walking down the stairs. Her eyes were mocking towards you, and you knew she was going to purposely try to flirt with Seungmin right in front of you. Eunmi knew she was naturally pretty, and she flaunted it a lot. You never understood why she wore the amount of makeup that she did, she was effortlessly and naturally stunning. She bat her false eyelashes at Seungmin, pressing her arms closer to her chest to make her boobs pop out more. You rolled your eyes and packed your notebook in your bag, having had taken notes while listening.

“Hi Seungmin-ahhh!” Eunmi greeted him in a sweet voice.

“Oh, hello.” He greeted with a pretty smile.

“I’m Eunmi, and I’m a huge fan. That presentation was something else!” She giggled.

“Ah, thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed it.” He said with a polite bow.

“Now Seungmin-ahhh.” She giggled, leaning close to him.

You wanted to snap your pencil in half. Eunmi knee how much you had loved his documentaries, you had started watching his videos when you were in middle school together, and she always told you it was lame. Seungmin has the gift since he was younger, and you had admired him ever since your accident.

“Saw you looking at me this whole lecture.” She purred, fixing the buttons on his white button up. “Is there something you wanted to say?”

You quickly made your way out of the room, and Eunmi watched you walk out with a smirk, but another set of eyes were on you as well.

“Actually… Uh… That girl that was sitting in front of you, what’s her name?” He asked.

“Who? Y/N?” She scoffed. “Just some weirdo. She thinks she can see and sense ghosts. She just does it for attention.”

“I see. Well, it was nice meeting the three of you.” Seungmin said with a smile before grabbing his bag and walking away.

“Wait, Seungmin!” Eunmi called, grabbing his shirt sleeve.

“Weren’t you looking at me?” She asked, her eyes big.

“You’re very pretty, but it wasn’t you I was looking at. And I don’t look at petty women.” He said casually, pulling his sleeve out of her grasp. “Have a nice day, ladies.”

You walked into the courtyard, the pink trees of the garden glowing in the soft spring sunlight. You sat on the stone bench and opened your notebook, going through the notes you took and sighing.

“I should’ve paid better attention.” You groaned, dropping your head into your notebook. “Stupid stupid stupid.”

“I think you’re pretty smart, actually.”

Your head shot up at the voice, your nose almost brushing Seungmin’s. Shock was in your eyes as he smiled down at you.

“Mind if I sit?” He asked, pointing to the empty spot on the stone bench.

“Oh, sure!” You said in a voice a little too high pitches for your liking, making you almost cringe.

He sat down beside you, his eyes going to your notebook.

“You took notes on the session?” He asked, his eyes full of admiration.

“U-Um yeah… I love what you do.” You said shyly.

“I see… You seemed very interested in the whole thing. Almost like you knew how it felt to have these abilities.” He said, looking directly at you.

Although he had such a sweet looking face, his eyes held a ferocity that you have never seen before. It was breathtaking to look into massive orbs you’ve only ever saw on a screen.

“I… I guess you can say I have a gift.” You said lowly, your eyes not leaving his.

“What kind of gift is that?” He asked, his eyes still searching yours.

You slid him the notebook that you had written your notes down in. He looked at the notebook and slowly went to the first page, reading what you wrote and drew sketches of, all of your experiences on the finely outlined pages. His long finger tips followed where he was reading, his eyes quickly scanning the pages as he continued to flip through it. He stopped at one, an amused smile on his face.

“So you know, huh?” He asked.

“What?” You asked.

“Most of the episodes of Ghost Hunters is staged and acted out.” He said with a light chuckle.

“Even if I didn’t have this ability, it’s painfully obvious.” You pointed out, scrunching your nose in distaste. 

“How else do you know? And how can you tell when it isn’t staged?” Seungmin asked.

“Well, for starters, their reactions. When it’s fake, you can tell when they over dramatize it, like it’s too much. I also don’t see anything when it’s fake.” You said.

“See anything?” He asked.

“I can see shadows… Morphs… Whole spirits.” You said hesitantly. 

His eyes searched yours, seeing the sincerity in them.

“You can just see shapes and figures?” He asked.

“No…” You said lowly. “I can see them… Usually when they just want to be seen.”

“What if they don’t want to be seen?” He asked.

“I can see their shapes and figures, and I can feel them.” You responded.

Silence fell over the two of you, Seungmin’s eyes going back down to your notebook and flicking through the pages, stopping at a certain one.

“What’s this?” He asked.

It was from the last night you and Eunmi had spent the night together as friends. The night she got scared away, the night she held a grudge against you for. You slid it out of his hands and closed it, a sigh leaving your lips.

“An experience I wish I could forget.” You sighed.

He went on to say something, when you gave him a sad smile.

“They show me things.” You said.

“They show you things?” He asked.

You nodded and played with your fingers.

“They show me what happened to them… Or what could happen to other people.” You whispered.

His eyes were soft as he laid a gentle hand on your shoulder, giving it a soft rub.

“You’re a clairvoyant Y/N.” He said.

You nodded and sighed when he lightly grabbed your chin and turned your head towards him.

“There’s nothing wrong with that, nothing at all. I know what it’s like to have a gift no one understands, I know it’s lonely, but I’m here for you now, okay?” He said with a bright smile.

“You’re only in town for a couple of days.” You giggled with a small blush.

He fell silent for a moment, biting his lip and thinking.

“Why don’t you come for an investigation? We’re also here to investigate a house about an hour away from here.” He suggested with a smile.

“Will that really be okay?” You asked.

“Of course!” He laughed. “It’s just me and three other people.”

“O-Okay.” You nodded with a shy smile.

“Perfect! We have to leave in an hour, do you need to get changed or anything?” He asked.

“No, I think I’m okay.” You laughed. “Why? Is my outfit bad?”

“Not at all, just don’t want you to catch a cold.” He laughed.

You put your notebook back in your bag as he stood up and stretched his hand out to you, a smile on his face. You smiled back and lightly took his hand as he helped you up, and you felt something in that little touch. It was like a spark, a small fire emitting itself in through your hand and all throughout your body, warming your heart as you walked step for step beside him. His light brown hair caught the sun in a beautiful way, his hair shining brightly. He glanced at you, giving you the whitest smile you’ve ever seen, and you swore it could blind anyone with how white his teeth were.

He lead you to a small, hippie fashioned Volkswagen (if ya’ll know, ya’ll know.) Two men and a woman were standing outside of it, and the one turned and gave you a friendly smile.

“Hi there.” He greeted you.

“Hi.” You greeted him and the others with a polite bow.

“Seungmin, who is this?” The woman asked.

“This is Y/N, she’ll be joining us today.” He said, introducing you.

“I’m Hyunjin.” The one who smiled at you said.

“I’m Felix.” The other said with a big smile. “And that little ball of sunshine over there is Haru.”

You looked over at the woman, who scowled at you and Felix.

“Why is she coming?” Haru asked.

Wow, rude.

“She has talents that we need.” Seungmin said, putting his stuff in the back.

Haru scoffed and eyed you up.

“And what talent is that? Taking up space?” She asked.

“Haru, stop being so rude.” Hyunjin gasped. “Seungmin doesn’t invite just anybody.”

Haru went to open her mouth, when Seungmin shot her and look, making her purse her lips.

“She’s a clairvoyant. I’m curious about her, and she’s welcome to come with us. Don’t make this hard on her, she doesn’t deserve that.” Seungmin said, his voice serious.

Haru rolled her eyes and turned away, stalking towards the back of the SUV. Felix gave you a friendly smile and took you to the front seat.

“You’ll ride up front with Seungmin so you won’t have to deal with our little ball of sunshine in the back.” He said with a smile.

You nodded and slid into the front seat, catching the glare from Haru. Eunmi was already a lot to deal with, but now this girl? You only have known her five minutes! Seungmin sat next to you, flashing you a smile as he pulled out his GPS.

“So, what exactly is going on at this home?” You asked.

Haru scoffed in the back seat, and Felix elbowed her.

“A couple has been hearing strange noises around their home, and we’re just going over to see what exactly is happening.” Seungmin said.

“Most likely nothing too exciting.” Hyunjin said, getting the camera he had in his hands ready.

“Do you record before you even find out if it’s haunted or not?” You asked.

“Of course, I wanted to start a vlog where we post the most stupidest encounters and how goofy the residents look when they realize their house isn’t haunted.” Hyunjin giggled.

“Why didn’t you?” You asked with a laugh.

He pouted and looked at Seungmin. “Seungmin said it’s unprofessional.”

“And it is.” Seungmin said as he pulled out of the parking lot.

“I don’t know, I’d love to watch them.” You laughed. “It might attract more viewers.”

“We’re not doing this for viewers.” Haru snapped.

“Lose the attitude Haru.” Hyunjin said, looking at her. “The more viewers we get, the more recommendations we’ll receive.

“People like horror and humor, if you give them both, they’ll be all over you guys.” You said.

“Or attract people who just want the attention.” Haru said.

You fell silent, not wanting to say anything else. Seungmin flicked a look at Haru through the rearview mirror and she huffed, shoving her headphones in. 

“I’m sorry about her, she doesn’t take to people easily.” Seungmin sighed.

“It’s okay, it’s no big deal.” You said with a small reassuring smile.

When you pulled up to the house, you noticed the roof looked a little caved in, probably from the recent storm. You followed Seungmin out of the SUV and up to the house as the other three grabbed their cameras and setup. The couple who owned the property came out, and you noticed the two of them were fairly young.

“Mr. Im, Mrs. Im.” Seungmin greeted both of them with a bow, and you followed suit.

“We’re so glad you’re here, we haven't been able to sleep for days.” Mrs. Im sighed.

“What seems to be keeping you up?” Seungmin asked.

“There’s this terrible creaking sound that usually happens at night, and it sounds like there’s footsteps coming from the attic.” Mr. Im said, his eyes wide.

“We’ll take a look.” Seungmin reassured them.

He beckoned you to follow him, Hyunjin coming in directly behind you both with the camera on the both of you. Seungmin stopped at the top step, turning towards the camera and smiling. He bumped you with his elbow, and you turned and smiled as the camera started rolling.

“This is Seungmin back with another video, and today we’re investing a couples house. Mr. Im says there’s been strange creaking and what sounds like footsteps coming from the attic. Today we have with us a new friend of mine, Y/N.” He said, giving you a smile.

You bowed to the camera and smiled brightly as you followed Seungmin up the stairs. Your eyes scanned the hallway and rooms you passed by, hoping to catch something on this case.

“I’ll show you guys the attic.” Mr. Im said.

“Stay here for a moment.” Seungmin whispered to you as he walked up behind Mr. Im, Haru walking by you and giving you a petty smirk as she did.

You rolled your eyes and turned to see Mrs. Im, a small smile on her face.

“Are you new?” She asked.

“Um- sorta? I mean, I was at one of his sessions and he invited me to come here.” You said with a smile.

You turned your head and saw a picture on the wall, Mr. Im holidng Mrs. Im up in the air, the both of them smiling brightly.

A scene of the two of them running through the autumn leaves filled your vision. Mr. Im tackled Mrs. Im in a hug and they toppled over into a big pile of leaves. They both laughed like crazy as Mr. Im covered Mrs. Im in kisses, her bright white smile glistening in the sunlight. Another flash and he was on one knee, a beautiful ring in a carefully crafted box in his hand.

“What a beautiful fall day to propose.” You said as you held the picture in your hands.

“What? How could you tell?” Mrs. Im asked in shock.

“It’s called an insight, you get to see little pieces of someones life.” You said with a smile.

You heard something and turned to see Seungmin standing there, a smile on his face.

“Was she right?” He asked.

“She was.” Mrs. Im breathed, her eyes full of curiosity. 

His smile grew wider as he walked over to you.

“Why don’t you come upstairs and help us get this figured out.” He said.

You nodded and followed him up the stairs and into the attic, scanning the room. You couldn't’ feel or detect anything, it felt normal.

“And we just keep hearing THUD THUD THUD THUD!” Mr. Im explained to Felix and Haru.

“Seems like you’ve got an annoying one on your hands.” Haru said, then turning to you and arching brow. “And what do you think, little miss clairvoyant?”

“Not sure yet.” You said flatly, looking around.

The place wasn’t haunted, obviously. But you needed to show them that it was something else. You pressed your foot on a board that looked worn out.

THUD.

Bingo.

“I found your ghost.” You said.

“Who is it? Is it an old man? A woman? GASP! Is it a little girl?!” Mrs. Im squealed.

“No, no, and no.” You replied, pushing on the board as it thud.

“Was that the sound you were hearing?” You asked.

“Oh my god, it was! But doesn’t that mean something had to be stepping on it?” Mr. Im asked.

“By the looks of it, you keep that old rocking chair on it.” You said, tilting your head to the rocking chair in the corner.

“The wind or draft push the rocking chair, which creaks.” You said, moving the chair over top of the board.

You rocked it, and it thumped and creaked. Sighs of relief left the couple, then embarrassment washed over both of them.

“We are so sorry for wasting your time!” Mr. Im gasped.

“It’s okay!” Seungmin laughed. “Usually these places aren’t haunted, there’s always a logical explanation, and it looks like Y/N found it.”

“I’ll get that old board fixed right away.” He reassured everyone and his wife.

The couple walked you both out, and Mrs. Im held your hand.

“Thank you so much, you really impressed me with that insight. I hope they keep you.” She said.

“No, thank you for that experience! I’ve always loved Seungmin’s adventures, and being on one was a dream come true.” You said with a smile.

“I hope you get to stay. You really are talented.” She said, waving goodbye to you.

Seungmin drove to a small diner as you all sat down to eat.

“I’ll cover yours.” Seungmin said.

“No its fine-”

“Listen, that investigation went so quick because of you. And that insight? You’re very talent Y/N.” He said.

As you ate, you kept feeling Haru’s glare, and it was starting to make you uncomfortable.

“Haru, look at your food.” Felix said, glancing at her.

She slammed her fork into her food and continued eating, chewing angrily.

“I need to use the restroom.” She said, abruptly getting up and walking away.

“She’s just made because she believed it was haunted, and you knew it wasn’t and proved her wrong.” Hyunjin reassured you.

You nodded awkwardly and Seungmin rubbed your shoulder.

“You were amazing back there Y/N.” He said.

“Thank you, it was nothing really.” You bowed with a blush.

When Haru got back, you all ate quietly then left. Before you made it to the SUV, Seungmin turned to you, Felix and Hyunjin smiling brightly. Haru narrowed her eyes, anger on her face.

“No.” She growled.

“This isn’t your decision.” Seungmin said.

She stormed off to the SUV, slamming the door. You looked at them in confusion, and Seungmin gently held your hand.

“Y/N, I have a huge question.” He said.

Your heart hammered through your chest as he smiled at you.

“Will you be apart of our crew?”

[artificialqueens]

From Under Liquid Glass (2) (Branjie)- Ortega

a/n: somebody said they wanted another lil chapter to this, so i hope u all enjoy! it’s been quite a while since the first chapter was posted, so if u want to catch up u can read here! I hope u all enjoy it, and as always feel free to send love to AQ or to my blog!!

Trigger Warning: lots of discussion around anxiety throughout the whole fic so just generally would say avoid if that’s something that’s going to potentially affect u

Summary: Brooke Lynn Hytes was always told she’d have it all. She was never told that “all” would include crippling anxiety. Signed off from work at 27, Brooke moves back to her childhood home and has to get her head around her fall from grace.

Vanessa “Vanjie” Mateo has no job, no degree, and -£32.65 to her name, but she prides herself on keeping a level head. That all changes when a certain high school crush moves back into town and back into her life.

***

Brooke sat in a slightly cushioned red chair with a curved back, rendering her almost horizontal in the way it reclined. Opposite her in an identical chair was an older woman of around 40, who wore thick-rimmed purple glasses and had ensured the whole room smelt of incense sticks. So far she was filling every therapist stereotype in the book.

“So the purpose of today’s session, Brooke Lynn,” she said, in a voice so calming it made her sound like she’d been tranquilised and was moments away from passing out. “Is to just let me get to know a bit about you and your situation and what’s brought you here to me.”

Brooke ran a hand through her hair and shrugged. “I’ve been…signed off from work. With stress.“

The woman sat opposite her, simply looking. Not staring. Not replying. Just looking. It soon became clear that she wasn’t going to speak, so Brooke sighed, crossed a leg and opened her mouth again. "And…it fucking sucks? Like I’ve been off for a couple of days now and I’m waiting for the moment where I don’t wake up feeling guilty as all hell and panicked and wanting to go back and work through it, but I know if I go back nothing will have changed and they’ll treat me like I’m all better and I won’t be.”

The woman pushed her glasses up her nose. “You mentioned ‘they’, who’s 'they’, Brooke Lynn?"

Brooke frowned, disliking the use of her name. It felt too personal, too familiar. She had only just met the woman and here she was about to tell her all her life story? There was no way she could do this.

Nevertheless, she puffed a lot of air out of her cheeks and continued. "My management. They don’t care about staff wellbeing. As long as there’s a body in the room, they’re happy.”

The woman nodded slowly, then cast an eye to the forms on the small coffee table beside her that Brooke had filled in just moments ago. “So you’re a secondary school teacher. It must be a very high-pressured job- exam grades to be met, reports to write, challenging behaviour?"

Brooke knew what she was trying to do, to get her to reveal more information without really asking her anything. It grated on her, and part of Brooke wanted to call her out on it irritably but then she’d be filling another therapy stereotype, the guarded, cranky patient who didn’t want to let her walls down, so she didn’t. "Yes. I teach dance, so. There’s lots of pressure to get my kids into dance schools as well. From parents, from management, from the kids.”

“And do you feel that some of that pressure comes from yourself?” the therapist asked. Brooke was taken aback by the question. She furrowed her brows.

“I mean…yeah, I guess? I always tend to put pressure on myself but that’s how I function, it’s how I work best, under pressure. So there’s always got to be a bit of that.”

“And do you feel under pressure just now, being off work?”

Brooke again was unsure. She thought of her answer for a moment before she said it, the room filled with silence. “I guess not? I mean no, maybe, yeah. Pressure to come back, I suppose.”

“Okay. Let’s take right now. Are you feeling under any pressure?"

Brooke blinked. If she thought about it too much, then yeah, sure. But at the moment, in the moment, she felt fine. She felt safe, if guarded. "No.”

“And are you still functioning?”

“…Yes.”

“So you don’t really need to pressure yourself to work hard. Do you?”

Brooke felt her eyebrows raise. Her voice caught in her throat. “I…guess not.”

There was a small pause. The woman nodded back at her. “Maybe something that we can work on is…thinking in the moment.”

Brooke felt an odd sense of clarity. Was this how therapy was supposed to feel? “Okay. Sure.”

The therapist moved on. “So you detailed you were living at home for the time being. What’s your support system like here?”

“Uh, there’s my Mum and my Dad. Both still working, inexplicably, since they both should’ve retired a couple years ago. They’re sweet and supportive but I don’t feel like I can really properly talk to them, you know?”

The therapist nodded and said nothing. This was like pulling teeth.

“Uh, there’s my cat, Henry. Well, he’s not strictly my cat, he’s the family cat.”

“And what about friends?” the woman asked inquisitively, Brooke shrugging easily.

“Yeah, I mean I have-” she cut herself off. Yvie? Plastique? Bianca? Scarlet? Detox? No. None of them she could really call support. Nina? She was sweet, but she was a work friend, plus she was now miles away back in the city. Who did Brooke actually have? The thought sobered her, and she clammed up. The therapist gently spoke again.

“We don’t have to discuss friendships today if that’s a particularly sore subject for you, but it’s good that you at least have family around you at this time.”

“It’s not that it’s a sore subject, I guess I just…” Brooke sighed, feeling a lump in her throat which she quickly swallowed down. “I just didn’t realise how few friends I have any more.”

“It’s natural to lose contact with people as you grow older. Perhaps one thing you could decide to do with your time off is to catch up with old friends while you have the time. It may help you feel more grounded, or lift your mood,” the woman suggested gently. Brooke watched as she glanced to the clock on her desk. “That’s almost it for the time we have. Next session we’ll talk a bit more in detail about what we’ve covered just now, but it was good to meet you today, Brooke Lynn, and to get to know you a bit. Is there anything you’d like to ask me?”

Brooke thought. “Uh, how many of these sessions would you say I had to have before I start feeling…you know. Myself again.”

Her therapist set her mouth in an awkward line. “That’s not for me to say. It’s whenever you feel ready and whatever pace you move at over the course of these sessions. It’s entirely your decision.”

Brooke nodded briefly. That was good. She enjoyed having the control, enjoyed feeling like she could stop at any time.

“What time would suit you for next week’s session?”

Brooke cracked a smile. “Uh, well, I’m pretty easy, what with the whole being signed off work thing.”

The woman opposite her just looked at her expectantly. Tough crowd, therapists. Brooke picked the same day, same time and then left the building, the professional, office-like facade rendering none of the general public able to tell that Brooke has just been to see someone because she was ever so slightly fucking loopy. She felt as if she was part of Men In Black. Or the MIB would have to stand for something else. Mentally Ill Bitch? That should do it.

Checking the time and slowing down outside a coffee shop, she shrugged. It was just past 10 and she hadn’t had any breakfast yet, unless she counted a beta blocker and a cup of tea. She pushed the door and headed inside, the smell of coffee hitting her instantly and reminding her of work, an uneasy feeling creeping up in her chest. The feeling only got worse when she saw who was in the queue one person ahead of her. She heard her before she saw her, Vanessa shouting up an order for a cappuccino loudly over the banging and whirring of the coffee machines. She was dressed in a smart red pinafore dress with a black top underneath, its ¾ length sleeves showing off her tanned arms. Brooke was thrown, looking at the ceiling, the floor, the suspicious-looking cheese and mushroom toasties on display, anything and anywhere apart from the girl’s face. Brooke felt herself hold her breath. Why the fuck was she destined to bump into Vanessa every time she looked like a demon from an M. Night Shyamalan movie? Her hair (clean, but not blow-dried so all her ends were dry and frizzy) was swept up into an unattractive ponytail that made her look like a forgotten Mitchell brother, she didn’t have a scrap of makeup on her face, and all her clothes were the ones from uni she’d neglected to take with her when she moved so she was wearing dark blue jeans, white converse, and a horrific blue sweatshirt patterned with sushi with “THIS IS HOW I ROLL” in huge white letters across the front, which had seemed like a good idea to nineteen-year-old Brooke.

And then Vanessa turned around and hit her with a huge beaming smile, her face lighting up in surprise. Fuck. For a huge town, it did simultaneously seem really quite small.

“Hey! Brooke Lynn! Come up! She’s with me,” Vanessa gestured and said to the barista, an awkward Brooke shuffling past the man in front of her and over to Vanessa. “How are you?”

“I’m alright, thanks- uh, an almond croissant and a flat white, please,” Brooke said to the man across the counter from her, cringing as she felt the judgemental eyes of the man queueing behind her boring into her. Trying to ignore her overwhelming embarrassment at feeling watched, she turned to Vanessa instead. “How are you?”

“I’m fuckin’ peachy, girl. Gone and got myself an interview, haven’t I?” Vanessa smiled proudly, a smile involuntarily springing to Brooke’s face.

“Oh, wow, that’s great! Congratulations!"

"Yeah, well, it’s only Lidl. It’s not amazing. But I’m still excited,” Vanessa shrugged, Brooke clocking the dimples that appeared as the other girl smiled. Had they always been a thing?

“You could say you’re a Lidl bit excited,” Brooke said, completely monotone as Vanessa snorted a laugh and thumped her on the arm. Brooke was distracted by the barista who asked her if she wanted her food to take away. Brooke gave a quick glance at Vanessa, who smiled hesitantly.

“I’ve got mine to sit in. I’ve got twenty minutes or so before I have to head for my train, you can come join me if you want,” she shrugged lightly, Brooke feeling a blush hit her cheeks. Why? Why was she blushing? It was only a girl from high school asking her to hang out.

“Sure. Sitting in then, please,” Brooke smiled tightly at the barista. She held her card out to tap against the reader, but before she could even react, Vanessa had leaned across and got her own card there first. Brooke turned to her with narrowed eyes and the other girl smirked cheekily. “You’re literally unemployed.”

“Oh, what, and a bitch can’t treat a girl to nice things?” Vanessa snapped, her face at once furious, and Brooke felt her own blanche in horror. A tsunami of relief washed over her as Vanessa suddenly laughed, her eyes crinkling up at the edges. “Jesus H Christ, you’re far too easy to wind up. You’re like a lil’ clockwork toy.”

Brooke felt her cheeks grow hot. Blushing again. What the fuck?

They took their drinks to a small seat beside the window, where the glass was wet and misty from condensation and the people passing outside moved like ghosts. Vanessa curled her hands around the huge mug of coffee, neglecting to sip it yet and instead choosing to tilt her head and smile at Brooke gently. “So, you’re up kinda early for a bitch that’s off work. You not livin’ the high life watching Judge Rinder and sleepin’ in til noon an’ shit?”

Brooke gave a laugh. “I was at therapy.”

“Damn, well I really put my foot in it there,” Vanessa gave a slightly choked cough and smiled guiltily at Brooke. “I’m sorry, girl. How was it? You make any amazing breakthroughs?”

“Well it was only the first session. It was mainly just me filling out paperwork and telling her about my life and stuff,” Brooke shrugged, looking down as she ripped her croissant in two. When she looked up, Vanessa was biting back a smile, her eyes sparkling a little.

“Damn. You paid forty pounds for that?”

Brooke raised an unimpressed eyebrow at the girl opposite her, trying and failing to hold back a smile at Vanessa’s mischievous grin. “Forty five actually.”

“Oh, my bad. Sorry. Forty five,” Vanessa smirked, Brooke laughing in spite of herself. “Shit, maybe I should become a terrapin.”

“…therapist,” Brooke corrected her, a little awkward. As Vanessa snorted at herself, her cheeks grew red in a blush that only seemed to make her more endearing. Intrigued, Brooke tilted her head. “Okay, then, Miss Therapist. What would you say to me? What advice would you give?”

“Well, I’d just say that…” Vanessa began, looking a little lost. Snapping her gaze back to Brooke, her face seemed to soften. It set off a warm feeling that spread across Brooke’s heart and out into her chest. “I’d say that things look really shitty now, but it’s always darkest before dawn, y’know, and tomorrow’s another day. Just try not to look at things long-term. I don’t know, I know I hardly know you, really, but you just seem like someone who has this big five-year-plan. You don’t have to, girl. You’re what, twenty-seven?”

“Good to know I look my age,” Brooke quipped dryly. Vanessa kicked her underneath the table.

“Bitch, I know how old you are! I was fourteen when you were eighteen, so you’re twenty-seven now! Am I wrong?”

“Do you call all your clients bitches?” Brooke asked, raising a single eyebrow.

“Only the pretty ones,” Vanessa gave her a look that Brooke couldn’t make out, but she knew it made her cross her legs under the table and squeeze her thighs together. Vanessa raised her coffee to her lips and gave a light shrug. “And the ones that are bitches, of course.”

Brooke snorted a laugh. “Okay, so that’s your advice? One day at a time, it’s always darkest before dawn? Damn, I’ve never visited a therapist that speaks entirely in cliches.”

Vanessa finished drinking and put her mug down. “Ah, but I actually gave you advice! Which is more than yours did today, what’d she do, give you some forms and listen to your life story?”

“Stop trash-talking my therapist, god,” Brooke rolled her eyes, Vanessa laughing playfully opposite her. Her deep brown eyes seemed to light up every time she laughed or smiled, giving them a sparkle that Brooke couldn’t help but be drawn to. “You’re not getting paid for that, by the way.”

“Damn. Shame, really. I could use it if this job interview goes to shit,” Vanessa shrugged, her smile turning the slightest bit sad as she turned to look out the window. “Which it prolly will.”

“Don’t say that! It’ll be fine. Better than fine! You’ll be great,” Brooke insisted, almost falling over herself to reassure Vanessa. God, why was she so nervous all of a sudden? It was probably the anxiety. It definitely wasn’t the smile Vanessa sent her way in return.

“You’re sweet,” she said softly, a slight flush of red hitting her cheeks.

Yep. Definitely the anxiety. Not Vanessa’s outrageously fucking beautiful face.

“Well, I’m telling the truth! You’d be great in retail, I don’t know why people aren’t falling over themselves to employ you.”

“Brooke, when I said I didn’t have any quali…qualificitations…”

“Qualifications.”

“…fuckin’, A-Levels. I meant it. I have nothin’. I’m fuckin’ Whitney Houston over here,” Vanessa gave a small laugh, sighing as she took another sip. Brooke couldn’t help but mirror the sigh.

“If you don’t mind me asking…how come?” Brooke asked tentatively, cushioning the invasive question with a compliment. “You always struck me as someone really bright,”

Vanessa snorted. “Your judgement’s poor, boo. I’m a fuckin’ idiot. How d’you think I was fourteen in Year 7? I had to sit Year 5 twice. You know I straight-up couldn’t write a sentence on my own until I was eight?”

Brooke tried to feign indifference but she knew her expression gave her away. Vanessa laughed. “Exactly, bitch! Then when I got to high school, the teachers were all bitchier an’ meaner. And I was goin’ through puberty as well, which made me bitchier an’ meaner. So bitchy mean teachers plus bitchy mean Vanjie was never gonna be a good combo.”

Brooke let a small silence hang in the air as Vanessa stared out of the steamed-up window and cupped her mug with two hands. “I was screamin’ at teachers in class, swearin’ at ‘em, straight-up threw a book at some bitch’s head once. To be fair, she deserved it, ‘cuz she started sayin’ I would be a total failure in life an’ have no job an’ no prospects. And I mean, I am, but you don’t say that to a fifteen year old kid, right? I don’t know…I regret a lot of the shit I did, but I don’t regret that.”

Brooke said nothing, instead just choosing to listen to all Vanessa wanted to vent to her. “Of course, ‘cuz I started gettin’ mouthy in class I started gettin’ the attention of the other mouthy girls. They didn’t like me…fuck knows why, but they didn’t. I got in a bunch of fights…I mean, some people would prolly say they bullied me, but I gave as good as I got, you know? Anyway, got to sixteen an’ they expelled me. And there was no legal requirement for me to go back to school, so I never did. My Mum, shit, I never saw her so mad before. She told me the moment I turned eighteen I was out on my ass, an’ she held that up. I was all cocky, thinkin’ I could just charm myself into a job. But here I am. Five years later an’ I’m in a council flat livin’ off the most basic fuckin’ government handout and the last of the savings my Mum put aside for me.”

Brooke shook her head. “Fuck, Vanessa, I’m sorry. That’s really rough.”

“Hey, it’s just my life! That’s my lot, girl, an’ I’m stuck with it. But hopefully today’s my lucky day,” Vanessa smiled tightly, then frowned. “Fuck, Brooke, I’m kinda nervous.”

Brooke was hit with an unbearable urge to reach out and take Vanessa’s hand. She didn’t. “That’s natural. Don’t worry. You’ll kill it, they’ll love you!”

Vanessa smiled bashfully again, which made Brooke feel like melting butter. Unable to help herself, she added, “You could definitely charm yourself into a job.”

Brooke pressed her lips together to keep from smiling as Vanessa let out a laugh. “You’re awful, Jesus Christ! Stop distractin’ me, I need to be focused.”

“How am I distracting you!” Brooke exclaimed, affronted. Vanessa gazed at her with a look in her eye that Brooke couldn’t decipher, then shook her head.

“Doesn’t matter,” she laughed softly. Then her gaze snapped to the clock on the wall. “Damn, I need to hurry. That’d be my luck if I missed my fuckin’ train. Shit, sorry for offloading my fuckin’ life story onto you.”

“Don’t worry. I kinda did the same to you in the supermarket, so now we’re even. You have my full permission to launch into deep chat any time you see me,” Brooke smiled, regretting the fact that Vanessa had to leave. As she grabbed her bag, Vanessa’s face turned wistful. Pausing, she pulled out her phone.

“Y’know, we should do this again some time. Before you have to go back to work. I know I’m a shit therapist, but you still don’t need to pay me anythin’ if you wanna talk. I mean, maybe you can get the coffee next time. Since you actually earn a fuckin’ wage.”

Brooke laughed, her heart fluttering as Vanessa held out her phone with a blank contact on the screen. Brooke punched in her number then, pausing for only a second, she wrote her name as “Brooke x”. Her heart held its breath as Vanessa took the phone back, cast a glance over it, and smiled ever so slightly.

“Cool. Well, I’ll text you next time I’m free, and I’ll let you know how I do today. But it was so good to see you, girl. As always,” Vanessa smiled, leaning down and giving Brooke a hug. Her clothes smelt of washing powder and her hair had that freshly-shampooed scent, and the two combined made Brooke not want to let go. Vanessa made that decision for her, pulling away and waving a goodbye as she hurried out of the shop.

As Brooke watched her red-pinafored silhouette make its way to the train station, she found herself sitting her phone on the coffee table screen-up, an unexpected optimism and hope nestling itself in her heart, and her mind filled with the girl who had been dealt shit cards in life but who’d still tapped her card against the reader to pay for Brooke’s drink as if it was nothing.  

[zacfaq]

PLEASE DON’T SEND ME “PASS IT ON” MESSAGES !! as sweet as some of they are they can be really annoying. i don’t check my PMs here! if you need to get ahold of me either send me an ask, or email me.

apparently necessary reminder: google exists! i’m not a know-it-all source, honestly i shouldn’t even be your second plan after google unless it’s a question specifically based on me or something relating to me

i try to avoid fandom drama as much as possible and keep a generally positive space, so please don’t come and ask me about stuff like that. thanks. 

if you want to commission me please send an email to zacharyjackbaron@gmail.com. do not email me through this address if your intentions are purely social and not work related

-what do you use to record and edit your speedpaints?

i use OBS to record, and edit in sony vegas

-what do you use to draw?

huion gt-191 and clip studio paint

-what are your pen settings?

just the default settings. all my custom stuff/things i’ve downloaded from CSP assets are just things i think look neat but probably never end up using. 

-a blog called papersans is claiming to be you! are they a thief?

that’s literally me, i use it to archive my art so i can find stuff easier without having to hunt through my tag. also available for people who just want to see my art n not my other posts

-when is your birthday?

february 6th!

-what is your sexuality?

gay. i like men.

-how long does it take you to draw?

idk like. awhile? sometimes 45 minutes sometimes four hours sometimes a week. 

-can i draw you/your ocs?

of course! pls show me after it would make me very happy !!!!! 

-favourite band/singer/musician?

i don’t know a damn thing about myself here’s a spotify playlist

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0Zk5o5g7nMnGt0vrJVEcDq?si=7cd248a0b64046ee

-will you do art for cheap/free?

nah. art is currently the only job/income i have, if ur interested in commissioning me you can either find my prices on like, any of my pages, but if not ur more than welcome to email me @ zacharyjackbaron@gmail.com and i can give you prices there !! -(venting or something involving abuse, suicidal thoughts, self harm, bullying, eating disorders, or other similar things in real life situations. even in fiction i’m iffy.)

i hate to sound rude or not be of help, but please don’t send these messages to me. they send me into horrible anxiety  for several personal reasons. if you’re having such negative thoughts i implore you to speak to someone you trust without an anonymous mask, or do your best to seek help from a professional. i have my own things to worry about and as much as i’d like to help, i simply can’t.

-(asking for advice that isn’t related to art)

i would love to help but i’m not an ~all knowing source~. i can’t give you tips for school. i can’t give you tips for life. not only will i probably not know a solution for you but there’s likely a chance i’m in just as bad a situation as you/going through the same problem, as silent as i am about my personal life. also don’t use ‘asking for advice’ as an excuse to vent about things or to send me a paragraph describing in depth something listed above/that’s potentially triggering. thank you.

even if you’re looking fr art tips i’m not a great source i’m still learning, ur best bet is looking for already existing sources and reading through those bc i don’t preach the word of Art God. i’m also awful at explaining things

-why didn’t you answer my ask?

Main reason is i’m just really really bad at socializing, so it’s not anything on u. i’m almost always low on energy and when i do talk to people it wears me out really quick. i’m also just. not gr8 at talking in general so if i can’t think of a reply i tend to just leave things n then end up forgetting about them

-how do you draw [blank]?

honestly my art style is such a fucked up thing that’s so personalized to my own use i can’t do or make tutorials. the best i can do is direct you to my youtube.

-can we do an art trade?

sorry, i’ll have to say no. i’m not necessarily busy but i get stressed very easily, so i try to keep my art to either personal stuff or work ! if you would like art from me, please considering commissioning me! mutuals and friends may be the exceptions here if they catch me at a good time or we make plans well ahead to do smth when we’re both free to work on stuff

-can we be friends?

please don’t ask this. i’m awful enough at socialization as is and i just don’t fit well with most personality types. not to mention this is just overall a bad question. it backs the person being asked into a corner where they either have to say “yes” and end up in a friendship that actually isn’t working out and is maybe only good for one side bc they’re getting any and all of the benefits, and if they say “no” they look like a total dick bag and come across as an ass. don’t ask this question. it’s not how socializing works. it’s not how friendships work. thanks. -can you tag [blank]? unfortunately i’ve been a real bad place in terms of memory so i can’t tag tons and tons of things. i try and tag more general/basic things but i’m sorry i’ll have to pass on specifics. if i post or reblog things that trigger u or harm you it might be best to unfollow for ur own safety!! very sorry

if it’s specific words you’d like tagged please consider blacklisting the word itself. 

-how tall are you?

i’m 5'11".

-can you promo me?

i’d rather not, doesn’t sit well with me. if you have a commission post you want me to reblog i’m happy to! but i won’t just do text based handouts, y’know? not a fan of being used for visibility for no reason, and chances are if i do it for one person it’ll happen with hundreds of others and i don’t want my blog to turn into a free advertisement zone that just floods peoples’ feeds with promotions.

-you reblogged something from someone extremely problematic/unsafe

thank you for letting me know! tell me what it is they did, even better offer proof on it. i’ll likely delete the post and blacklist their url to hopefully prevent their name popping up on my blog in the future. i won’t publish these asks mostly to avoid discourse or in the event false information is provided. sorta just safety precaution i guess

-you’ve done something bad

again, thank you for letting me know! if i post or say something questionable please feel free to message me and i’ll try my best to address the issue and adjust accordingly. i’m aiming to grow as a person so critique is welcome, both on me and my artwork. don’t just come up and call me an asshole or a prick or something, actually point out the errors and explain why they’re wrong so i can better understand and it doesn’t just turn into a defensive round of who’s worse, because i tend to be a very defensive person.

-i think someone is stealing/reposting your art!

thank you very much for telling me! don’t message them right off the bat, come to me first and i will deal with it. i’ve dealt with this shit tons of times and it’s tiring as fuck but i’d rather repeat the same stupid civil message over and over again than start a giant calamity over something and end up with someone getting hurt. if you do get involved please stay polite about it don’t throw insults just a simple “hey this art was done by princeofmints/tv-headache/zachary jack/dirtypip/(etc my other account names) and he doesn’t want his art reposted, please take this down or add proper credit.”

-can i use your art as an icon?

sure man. only on places like instagram, tumblr, or twitter though, and proper credit in an easy to see place must be given. if a piece of art is of my ocs or especially vent art though never use it for icons. thank you.

-can i repost your art?

the answer is “no” but i know you’re going to do it anyways. easy to see credit is mandatory. if you see somebody reposting my art please let me know and i’ll talk to them. if you want to use my art in things like image edits, i don’t allow that. want to use my art in a video? if it’s something like an AMV sure fine just credit me and inform me beforehand, if it’s something like a cringe/comparison video. no. i don’t want any association with work like that whatsoever. you may not use my artwork for fanfic covers.

-can i colour/finish one of your sketches?

no. even if you don’t intend on posting it. 

-what is [insert some form of media/fandom]

https://www.google.ca/

-why do you have an entirely separate blog for your FAQ? you know you can make blog pages, right?

i’m well aware of that and originally my faq WAS set up on a blog page, but unfortunately many folks proved to be either lazy or just couldn’t figure out how to get to a blog page on mobile so i had to set it up this way for accessibility purposes.

-tons of your videos are gone, what happened to them? will they come back? can you repost them?

i set old videos on private for my own sake, i don’t like having my old content available bc it just looks old and stale and i don’t like it. there’s nothing deep about it, i just don’t want people interacting with my old stuff. as deep is it gets is i just deleted videos related to fandoms i’m sick of bc the association is fuckin annoying. these videos will not come back into public. i do keep them posted for my own reflection sake, but that’s it. don’t ask me to bring them back. don’t whine about me not putting shit back out just bc ur a little sad n gonna cry. guilting people is gross, reevaluate yourself.

if you want a song from an old video, just ask me! I’ll happily let you know what the music is in case u liked ‘em and can’t remember the titles or artists. i’ve also got a playlist full of the music i listen to so u can comb through there n see if the songs u want are there

[bizarropurugly]

Stamp Apologies

Reposted from before, though there are a few additions.

So like I made a shit ton of stamps over the years on deviantART and understandably there were some ignorant/gross ass ones. I’ve gotten rid of them (as best I can - please point out any I missed), but, tbh, I think I should issue an apology for some of them. Not necessarily because I personally know people hurt by them or anything but because just. egh.

cw for gifs including gifs with flashing, casual isms, pedo and sexual abuse jokes, rape mention, etc.

I was an asshole and despite the things I had seen and experienced I decided to join in the “you’re not really bi” tirade that still sweeps the Internet. If you say you are bisexual you are bisexual. I am sorry for spreading this biphobic (and often sapphobic) bullshit.

Various stamps fetishizing gender variance, such as “[I Have A] Drag Fetish!” and “WOMEN WITH DICKS, I LIKE THEM!”

While looking my crap up I realized I had a lot of these and egh I am really sorry. I do absolutely fall in love with gender variance, because I’m fucking queer, but these stamps were very fetishizing and many people were using them that way too.

This was a joke stamp but people were using it seriously and I should have expected that. While I removed it after catching da–stamps/da--bogeyman, a legit pedo creep, using it, I am sorry for it even existing because pedophilia isn’t a joke anyway. This was never something acceptable to make for any reason, but especially because pedophilia isn’t a fucking joke.

So a lot of purposeful ignorance regarding pride was going on. The description for this beauty could basically be summed up as “HETEROPHOBIA!!!” and committing a “I’m not like other queers” tragedy despite hating others for that same shit (coughethereal-crowcough). No excuse for this crap. I’m sorry.

So hey remember what I was saying about purposeful ignorance regarding pride? This was the cream of that shit crop. Pride regarding mental disability is a complicated, complex relationship, and can’t just be completely tossed away as worthless and ridiculous. What’s worse is that this was primarily aimed at people upset at autism cures, with very allistic ableist remarks about people who can’t function. At the same time, I made a shitty post on Tumblr about supposed autistic people proclaiming evolutionary superiority, as if it was an epidemic, and again purposely ignoring the dynamics being involved. In reality I saw maybe two people who were probably not even being serious and flipped a lid about shit I didn’t understand.

For the record, I suspected myself autistic even this early, my relationship regarding pride and my mental disabilities is also complicated, and as for cures for mental health issues, I see it as pretty murky (there are benefits to be reaped) but heavily entrenched in eugenics instead of actually helping those who want it.

So hey lemme tell you about the number of stamps addressing complete non-issues. Shitty stamp makers LOVE to do this and my fuckwad ass joined in. Thanks to Tumblr I’ve come to understand this alter/headmate thing a lot more and realized who gives a fucking FUCK if someone’s brain buddies are named Raven Wolfstar Brilliance or are vampires or are various images of Harry Potter or any of that crap it is literally not something worth getting upset over let alone attacking people over. So I’m sorry I played along with this complete nonsense. Characterize the shit out of your alters. Have fun and feel good.

The description for this was very vague because this stamp is just itching to be used by queerphobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, ableists… And I’m sorry to be an enabler for that bullshit.

So I was making fun of these assholes for calling me a serial molester because I said hugging people with boobs made me happy because I get to touch boobs which I love. But did u know that making a joke out of sexual harassment is always a shitty thing to do regardless of context? So hey here’s a sorry for this one too.

[edit] To elaborate because I worried some people: I like hugging people who also have boobs because it makes me feel safer and more secure and less awkward. Hugging people without boobs is really awkward and sometimes discomforting. Having your boobs touch someone who doesn’t have the (particularly cis men) is awkward and sometimes discomforting.

While allies using us as gimmicks and making our pride/solidarity days about how tolerant they are is a legit problem, and by and large deviantART definitely does this shit, it’s not Spirit Day’s fault and this stamp was reeking of “I’m not like the other queers” too. So sorry about this embarrassment again.

Because a white person should definitely be making this stamp, right? I’m clearly an authority on what is respecting cultures of colour, of course. Bleugh. Sorry about this shitty casual racism crap.

Oh man look at that edge, it’s like the salesman brought me a sack of kitchen knives. This was about exactly what you think it’s about. Sorry for this and all the slurs I’ve used without the right to.

Skinny shaming is real and just as bad as fatphobia, guys! God why so much edge and hatred. I’m King Hatewad but man why hate such unnecessary things. I guess being fat now is my punishment for this babyfit. Sorry about this too, ugh. 

The fuck was with me and sexual harassment and shit. What’s wrong with me? I apologize to every nsfw artist ever, especially since I’ve come to know many who have been creeped on and made uncomfortable.

Let’s just be mean and nasty for no reason! Yeah, kids definitely need more of that shit! Jesus christ I am sorry.

I briefly replaced the first one with the second one, but I’ve removed both of them and I’ll tell you why.

The initial one was cringey as hell, though it brought up points I can still believe as important. Hence why I replaced it. I talk a lot about noncon/dubcon and related shit here (nsfw blog) that basically explains the direction I was going, but...

I asked myself, who’s using this stamp? Is it people who are caught in that awkward place of sadomasochistic interests borne from abuse, how that intertwines with rape culture and oppression, how it affects our sexual identities, etc? Or... is it just going to be used by the type of people who aim to “offend” others and insist rape culture and the like aren’t real?

Obviously, the answer is the latter, just like it usually is, just like I’ve learned from other stamps in my past.

Here’s another example of that: what kind of people are using these stamps? Not the kind of people I want associated with or supported. These stamps were made back when I had been bought into that “age is just a number” bullshit, being spiteful because “lol how is age a privilege?? sjw cringe!!”. But it’s pretty clear what these stamps would be used for and I’m fucking ashamed for letting it happen. I was more concerned with being a spiteful shit than whether I was pushing pedophilic/rapey propaganda.